The Oscar Speech Day Dream At Age 27? WTF?

So today, I was working and then my daydream put my sanity on full auto pilot into a land that only children are supposed to able to hold unashamedly. So in full daydream mode here is what happened:


Kelly’s Acceptance Speech for the Best Breakout Star (insert something that makes me sound hot and smart at the same time).

(I walk in wearing….Something hot pink, sparkly, v neck and just to be safe-Chanel In reality

(I stand at podium)

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly breathe! I feel so coked-up! And this statue – it’s so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to bow down before me and accept that even in my wildest acid trips, I never would have prayed three times that this could ever validate my mediocrity. And to the other suck-ass nominees, I want each of you to know how totally wonderful your fake smiles makes me feel right now! I am skinnier than all you bitches and it feels so good!

You know when they first told me my fake tan was too orange and my big tits weren’t enough, I just had to take a Xanax and laugh about how fucked up I was and how drunk I was in all the love scenes they had to re-shoot. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda special.

You know, there are so many star-fucking leeches to thank! First off though, I want to rim the self-congratulatory circle jerks of the Academy, who looked deep within their Magic 8-Balls before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Jesus, for being such a powerful force in my contract negotiations. And to the US Supreme Court, who taught me to take life by the balls. And finally, to all the sycophantic talk show hosts – I couldn’t have done it without you!


Thank you America, and good night!


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