Am I Gay or Straight?

Joe Haldeman's The Forever War plays with sexu...Image via Wikipedia

I give advice to a young man who is confused about his sexual orientation. He is in a long term relationship with a woman, and doesn’t want to hurt her.
I have been dating my girlfriend for three years and I think we are pretty happy. Lately, I have been fantasizing about other men. Am I gay? I also don’t have as much interest in having sex with my girl friend as I probably should. She says it makes her feel awful. Am I in denial? What do I do? My parents are so against being gay. I am positive they won’t be cool with it.
My Advice:
First of all, you have to ask yourself a few questions:

How long have you had these fantasies?
Do you ever try to block romantic or intimate thoughts about men out of your mind?

If the questions are yes; there might be a chance your sexual orientation is different than straight. No one chooses to be straight or gay. We naturally feel attraction and love for a certain sex because that is who we are. If your gay or straight you need to be with people who make you happy. I know you care about your girlfriend, but you can care about her as a gay man just as much as a straight man. Hopefully, she can accept your friendship after all of this is revealed. Either way, if your confused right now you need to take some time alone to access the situation. You don’t need to date anyone until you figure this out about yourself. There are a few things you could try to make your decision about the validity of your feelings and thoughts.

 Begin with some research. Look on line for articles about your similar situations. Try to go to some reputable websites with good facts and information about your current mindset attached to your sexuality. Then, I would highly suggest seeing a counselor. I doubt you have told anyone about this, and getting it off your chest to another human being will be beneficial, even if the therapy ends up not helping. Lastly, I would try to relax and not over analyze yourself so much. You will be much more confused trying to figure this out with a cloudy head instead of a clear one.

Ok, I know you love her. She is your best friend. I don’t know your real name so I am going to call you Tom. Below I am going to write you a letter that will give you advice and options about what to do.

Dear Tom,
I am writing this letter to tell you that you’re not a bad person. I know you have held in certain feelings and parts of yourself because you didn’t want to confront them. You don’t think there is anything wrong with being gay, but you feel like it is too late to figure out if your feelings are just small meaningless thoughts; or who you are. I know you love your girlfriend, and don’t want to hurt her. Unfortunately, it is too late to change the fact that she will be upset. The only thing you can do is take steps in order to cause her less pain. Tell her Tom. Tell her right now please.

You know she loves you, and cares for you enough not to use this against you. She will be mad, and probably say some things she doesn’t mean, but until you figure out this situation she won’t tell a single soul.

Tom, trying to discover if you’re really gay or straight is a journey she can’t go on with you. I am sure you probably have a good idea of your sexual orientation, but taking the time to weigh this personal issue is vital for you and your sanity. This is going to be hard all around, but every moment you don’t uncover your true identity is one more moment you and people close to you don’t know who you really are.

You are never too old to be happy Tom. This is going to be a challenge, but giving up shouldn’t be an option when it comes to who you really are. Take a deep breath, step one foot in front of the other and begin your new life. Don’t look back, and don’t worry about the people standing behind you, because you will see them ahead soon enough. Follow your heart, and know that whatever you discover about yourself won’t be something bad. You can’t choose to straight in the same way you can’t choose to be gay.

That’s the scary part. I didn’t know if I should smile, crack up, scream or run.

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

    -Dorothy, “Wizard of Oz.” Quotations

Sexual orientation diagram.Image Wickopedia

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