Should I Tell My Boyfriend I Cheated?


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Question:

My boyfriend and I had been together for 3 and half years, and then began to have some serious problems. He would constantly pick at me and reprimand my every move. He was acting mean, condescending and not his self. Being around him was torture because he would always start arguments for no apparent reason. I was seriously thinking about breaking up with him. One night I went out with my best girl friend to have a few drinks and tell her what was going on. We had been at the bar for twenty minutes when she received a call. One of her siblings needed a ride home from work because of car trouble, so I decided to finish my drink alone and take a cab. I ended up meeting a guy at the bar. He was really cute and nice. I told him all my problems. He listened and I pretended not to know the real reason he was listening. We slept together that night. I feel guilty about it because it was wrong, and because it felt wonderful. Being with a nice person in that way was something I forgot existed. I woke up with a headache and a guilty conscience the size of an elephant.

 

The next day I broke up with my boyfriend. Not because he was changing into a mean person. I broke up with him because I couldn’t bear to tell him what I did. Mean or not he didn’t deserve to be with a cheater. A year later we ran into each other and are together again! Crazy right? He said after we broke up he went to counseling and worked on himself. He is just like the person he was when I met him in the beginning. Things are great between us now.

 

But I still feel guilty about what I did to him. Wouldn’t it be good to start over completely fresh? I just feel so guilty. What do I do?

 

My Advice:

 

Don’t say one word.

 

There is no excuse for cheating, even if you cheat on someone who treats you bad.

 

First of all, the fact that you broke up with him because you knew staying would be unfair to him; was the right thing to do. You still should have told him you cheated after it happened. Now is way to late to tell him what happened. He will also not appreciate the fact that you lied to him about why you broke up with him. He won’t think you did him any favors by breaking up with him because you thought is was the best thing for him. The reason you want to tell him is too get this off your chest in order for you to feel better. If you tell him now you will be relieved and he will be devastated. Once you accept the past behavior as unchangeable; your guilt will slowly turn a feeling that is more tangible. Right now your feeling of guilt is a wide open wound. There will always be a scar attached to the memory of your bad mistake, but scars represent memories. Let this thing go, before you ruin the great state you guys are in. You will always feel bad about what you did, but telling him would be selfish on your part. Even if you two stayed together after you told him, the relationship would be severely damaged.

 

The fact that you two guys are back together and happy is a miracle in itself. You both took time away from each other to regroup and work on yourselves. Now your giving each other the best version of yourselves. Not a lot of people are mature enough to take the necessary time and energy in order to better themselves.

 

Your window of opportunity you had to tell him about the cheating incident had passed.  Try your best not let your conscience over ride the right thing to do.

 

If the reason your boyfriend was acting mean in the past was because of guilt he felt from cheating, would you want to know right now? What you did is considered cheating, and there is no excuse for it; but you had the closest “not considered as cheating,” incident I have ever heard of. There was about twelve hours from the time you slept with the guy at the bar and broke it off with your boyfriend. and broke it off. Like I said there is no excuse for cheating but do you honestly think that if you had broken up with him before you walking into that bar you would feel any less guilty? 

 

If you can’t shake this, I would get some individual counseling. When your boyfriend had issues seeing a counselor helped him tremendously. Maybe you will get the same positive results from seeing someone as your boyfriend did. what your boyfriend did to help him with his issues and get some individual counseling. Remember feeling relief from telling him only benefits you. Make sure in the future if problems arise you need to confront them instead of running away. I hope you two are very happy together, and have a great future.

 

If I were the two of you I would keep the past in the past. The slate of your past relationship should be considered wiped clean.

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