Advice about internet porn and jealously


Question:

Am I the only person who fights with my significant other about porn, and pictures of naked women? This can go for guys too if they have a problem with their girlfriend doing these things. Is it normal for girls to feel insecure if their husband or boyfriend participates in sexual activities that don’t involve her? I know pornography doesn’t equal cheating with a real person, but I am starting to break from this. I am jealous, insecure and just want it to stop. What do I do? Do I just need to calm down or try to deal with it? Help!! I love him but I hate this! I am starting to see myself changing and turning into a different person from this situation. I know he loves me and finds me attractive, and that he isn’t physically going out of the relationship; but that still doesn’t make me feel any better. Am I over-exaggerating this porn thing? Are any men willing to not watch porn as long as their partner is fulfilling them sexually? I think I am going crazy from dealing with this issue. Thanks your time, and advice.

My Advice:

Well to begin with, many couples argue about this topic. You need to ask yourself a few questions before I give you my full answer.

  • Do you have a fulfilled sex life?

Do you turn him down when he initiates sex? Have you been letting yourself get too comfortable in the relationship? When we first meet the person we are with we usually make sure our appearance is top-notch. Just because someone loves you for who you are doesn’t mean you should always try to remind that person why. I am not saying you have to get dressed to the nines to sit in the house; but putting on some makeup in the evening or wearing a cute night-gown never hurts. If your sex life is great and hasn’t changed, you need to ask him why there is suddenly an increase in pornographic material? If he says it isn’t you and watching porn is just something he “does,” then you need to tell him allowing your man to watch it is something you “don’t,” do. Tell him you’re not willing to deal with this but you will take any necessary steps to improve or expand the dynamic of your personal sex life with him.

  • Do you use sex as a gift for good behavior? Do you use not having sex as a punishment?

I hate when people use sex as a silent party in relationships. When women say things like, “your getting lucky tonight,” after the man gives her a gift or cleans the kitchen really irks me. Men probably think women don’t enjoy sex near as much as they do because they act as though they can deal with not having it. You should view a situation where you can’t have sex with your partner as a punishment. Gifts and other acts of kindness should always be acknowledged and thanked for without using sex as the prize. This pertains to the use of pornography because some men might get sick of getting turned down when initiating sex, or having to buy their partner something or performing some special duty in order to sleep with their partner. Something that involves a gift or exerting extra effort for in your relationship shouldn’t be rewarded with sex. The presence of sex in a relationship should be a natural routine. Making love with your partner should never be something that occurs for any other reason than wanting to feel amazing with your partner. Sex doesn’t feel physically or emotionally better if someone had to do something to get it. No wonder why society views women as less sexual than men, if women continue to use sex as something that needs to be worked for. Of course when single people choose to get to know someone well before sleeping with them that is a smart way to protect their emotions. Single women or men who choose to wait before having sex aren’t usually waiting for a gift or extreme act of kindness before they decide to incorporate sex into the relationship. People already in a relationship who love each other should never deny, or threaten to take away sex from one another. Treating sex with as much respect as the new HD television in your living room isn’t a very healthy understanding about the importance of sex in a committed relationship. Everyone finds themselves not being in the mood or feeling too tired to have sex, but ten minutes of having sex is worth sacrificing ten minutes of sleep. Sex should always be referenced and understood as something that two people share who love each other. Sex is something that a couple should equally enjoy, and look forward to. Sex is not something to bargain with or work for in a loving relationship. 

  • Has he suddenly been increasing his porn viewing?

If his consumption of porn has increased significantly you need to discuss this with him. Ask him if this is always something he participated in then why has his level of participation increased? Ask him if it’s you or if he thinks this might be turning into an un-healthy addiction?

  • Is the porn so important in his life for him to give up?

If your partner told you that there was something you did that he really hated, and made him feel awful; wouldn’t you seriously consider eliminating that activity from your life? If your man hated the smell of chicken, and hated that you ate chicken, wouldn’t you consider no longer eating chicken even if it was your favorite indulgence? Would you stop watching something that bothered him if it meant his mental security and feelings toward you were in jeopardy? I am guessing you probably would stop performing certain activities if it meant your relationship would be a healthier and happier one.

  • Can you separate his idea of a serious matter from what you feel is a serious issue?

Just because porn is a tool used without the physical touch of another woman, doesn’t make you feel any less upset or hurt by it. Some people might view texting while driving, or forgetting to wear your seat belt as not a big deal. The point is that you think this is a huge deal for you. The fact that your partner or society feels viewing pornography isn’t something to feel threatened by doesn’t put your mind at ease. Everyone is different, and trying to change your personal feelings is impossible. The only way to achieve changing your mind about your man’s porn consumption is continuing to be upset and live with it, or put your brain on auto pilot and switch into a state of psychological denial. Why would you allow yourself to constantly try to convince yourself into ignoring your true feelings? Changing your wardrobe style or eating habits isn’t the same as changing your internal emotional feelings and beliefs. Trying to build a new set of personal understandings and feelings about what your comfortable with can only lead to a confused sense of what is right and wrong for you in your life. You also have to consider the irony in his understanding of porn as something that is not a serious part of his life. If watching porn is no big deal to him than eliminating if from his life shouldn’t be a big deal right?

  • Can he live without porn? Can you live with him watching porn?

The bottom line is, if he isn’t willing to quit then you shouldn’t be willing to stay. If you are doing everything you can sexually, and emotionally you can in the relationship and his porn habits haven’t changed you need to leave. There is nothing wrong with porn, or anyone who watches it. Rather your single or in a relationship, watching porn isn’t a problem as long as your partner is ok with it and your porn consumption isn’t a full-blown obsession. Some people are ok with their partner watching porn as long as the porn is not on display, and their sex life isn’t affected from their partners pornographic consumption. Some couples even use porn as a tool to spice up their sex life, which some people find very beneficial in their relationship. The point is, your not ok with the porn. You probably don’t even think its nasty or dirty. You might not even think your boyfriend is doing something nasty or perverse. The mere fact that he is using images of other women to achieve sexual pleasure is bothering you, and beginning to affect your psychological stability. This is not just making your jealous, it is beginning to change the way you view yourself. Insecurity can easily transform into many problems that affect your personal happiness, and healthy functioning of your emotions. If your man asks you if your willing to give up everything you two have over something that doesn’t exist? Tell him that your mental and emotional security exist, and this situation is affecting those areas in profound ways. If he stops viewing porn what kind of psychological or emotional problems will he have to endure?

  • If you decide to accept it will you be able to not harp on the porn issue?

If you decide to stay with him then that means you are staying with him and his porn. By not following through with an ultimatum you are giving him the green light to view as much porn as he wants. In the beginning he might say that he will cut down. Sooner or later after he “cuts down,” which usually means hides his porn activities better; he will go right back to where you are now. If you think he will change or an event in the two of your lives will make this go away you are sorely mistaken.

  • Even though you know he is attracted  to you, are you concerned with his need to visually stimulate is sexual appetite by so often check out members of the opposite sex in an interested way. As long as your partner isn’t ogling at women in front of you it is hard to win an argument about a casual glance. With that being said, you need to ask yourself if your partner needs the stimulation of looking at women in public, women at home in videos, women at home in magazine’s, and you; his woman at home to be sexually satisfied?
  • Can you understand that there is nothing wrong with him wanting to watch porn, and nothing wrong with you wanting him not too?

His porn habits aren’t malicious, perverse or hurtful to anyone except you. You are the important person in his life pertaining to sexual expression because he only sleeps with you. There can’t be a give and take rule when dealing with this issue because one person will still be upset. Either you have to somehow convince yourself you don’t have an issue with this and see a hypnotist, or he needs to get rid of it period. If not you need to tell him he is a great guy but this is just something you can’t deal with. Explain to him that pretty soon this will start effecting who you are and he probably won’t want to live with you anyway. Tell him he will find someone who is cool with the porn things just as easy as you will find someone willing not to watch porn while in the relationship. Your sanity, and future mental health and stability are far more important than a relationship, especially when there is always someone willing to follow or has the same guidelines as you in a relationship.

There is nothing wrong with watching porn, or not watching porn. There is only something wrong with not living your by your personal set of guidelines. Accepting things that have the potential of damaging the core of who you truly are should never be sacrificed.

My Full Answer: If you feel this way and he won’t get rid of the porn for good you should leave. He is not a bad person, but he is also not the person for you. He doesn’t want to be with someone who is miserable, or someone who doesn’t act like themselves. If you continue to be with him you will turn into someone he won’t like. There is someone out there willing to get rid of their porn to make you feel safe and secure. A lot of guys don’t find porn to be something they consider a very important part of their lives. Most men use porn the most when they are single, or not having sex a lot at the moment. A lot of men have no problem getting rid of their porn they had while single if their sexual needs are being met. If having or viewing porn really hurt the person they were in a relationship, most would consider getting rid of it. I am sure there are men who would incorporate more into their lives, if they chose to be with someone who didn’t see porn as a problem.

He needs to find a girl who has no problem with his porn consumption.

You need to find a guy who has no problem without consuming porn.

I hope my advice helped. Always follow your heart and listen to your gut.

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